Pamela D. Wilson - The Care Navigator

You’re a caregiver feeling powerless over a caregiving situation.  Your loved one doesn’t want to accept there is a need for help, doesn’t want help, continuously acts in a manner inconsistent with health care needs or has memory loss and can’t even remember what you discussed?  I’m offering small group caregiving classes beginning 8/26 called Caregiving: Defining Relationshps, Setting Boundaries and Managing Change. Information is available at www.thecaringgeneration.com

Often we find ourselves in situations and we wonder how we got there.  We all fall into ruts, become stubborn and set in our ways; it’s part of life.  The challenge is when we become responsible for or a caregiver for a loved one.  This is one time in life where flexibility and understanding the other person’s perspective is extremely important if you want to have a successful outcome and a successful long term relationship.  If there are areas of disagreement, ask the other person’s perspective and be open to changing yours.  Also ask them to be open to hearing your perspective and be flexible in their thinking or habits.  Successful caregiving begins with good communication and sometimes this takes work.

Caregivers come in different varieties  – those who over commit, who’ve place themselves in impossible situations because they thought the time commitment would be an hour or two a week, suddenly it’s turned into a full time job — adult children who suddenly become caregivers after years of an unbalanced  or non-existent parental relationship  – caregivers who find themselves struggling to care for someone with memory loss not knowing what’s going to happen next.  If you find yourself in any one of these situations and you’re looking for education, information or direction — I’m offering 4-week small group educational workshops on Thursday evenings beginning August 26th, class size is limited. Information is on our website or you can call my office to request information 303-205-7877 or send an email to  info@thecarenavigator.com

You’ve become a caregiver.  Your life has changed.  You’re mourning your old life and you’ve become resentful of the person you’re caring for.  Join the crowd.  Changes in our lives that take away from things we enjoy or want to do often cause resentment.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the caregiver or the person needing care; both of you may be resenting the situation.  What to do?  For the caregiver, hire paid help.  For the person needing care, it’s time for a support group.  It’s much easier if you both admit that you’re unhappy with the current situation and then work toward finding solutions for both of you.  Even though the reality of the situation likely won’t change your attitude toward the situation will.

You’re a caregiver, your loved one needs care.  Who is this about YOU or THEM?  If you’re coming from the right place it’s about them and their needs, not about you.  When it becomes about you, the caregiver, is when you’ve failed to make a plan or set boundaries.  That’s when you feel overwhelmed and likely angry.  That’s when it’s time to consult a professional to make a care plan that supports both you and your loved one.  Because it’s not about you — it’s about them.

Your mother has memory loss.  Everyone else sees it but you don’t want to accept that she can no longer balance a check book or that she should no longer drive.  You think the doctors are making a big deal about all of this.  Maybe it’s time to consider that the doctors and other acquaintances may be right.  How much time do you spend with your mother?  Are you really seeing what goes on day to day?  Are there issues with not taking medications, not eating or other health concerns?  It’s much better to take a proactive approach than having to rush to the hospital when a health emergency has occurred or receiving a call from 911 when your parent has had a car accident that injured other people.  It’s time to listen and consider that there may be value in the information others are providing.

More and more men are caring for their mothers.  Some even living with their mothers.  This sometimes results in reverse discrimination with the general public or neighbors believing that these sons are living off their mothers.  When does caring for a mother cross the boundary of personal dignity?  Is it appropriate for sons to provide personal care like bathing and incontinence care for their mothers?  It depends on the mother - son relationship and also how comfortable the son is in providing this care.  Another question is the level of detail or attention the son can and is willing to provide.  This is where the boundaries get a little gray.  Will a son thoroughly clean the private parts of his mother?  Will he apply lotion so there is no skin breakdown.  Thoroughly care for finger and toenails?  If any of this is in question it may be better to hire a female caregiver to provide this type of personal hygiene and care.  This is an important area of good caregiving that must not be neglected.

Are you a family who disagrees about the care of your parent or a loved one?  Most families who disagree don’t have all the facts.  One person does this, another that, there’s little or no cohesive communication about day to day tasks or abilities.  It’s easy to disagree about the care of a loved one when you really don’t have all the information.  Is your loved one forgetful, incontinent, awake at night, a fall risk - are you aware of all the health and care issues?  If you’re disagreeing with a loved one be sure you have the facts and aren’t making assumptions or giving opinions with no reasonable foundation.  Have a family meeting with a facilitator and you’ll be able to resolve disagreements about care for your loved one.

Whose life are you changing?  Many children, frustrated with their older parents who need care try to solve problems like a bull running through a china shop.  They lack compassion, understanding and patience because the frustration level is off the charts.  How do they think their parents feel — or do they even think about this?  Many times not.  Children see their role as a mission to fix the problem, correct their parent’s wrongdoings and set things right.  They lack insight into how their parent or loved one might be feeling.  That is until years later when this happens to them and then often they’re filled with regret.  Before you go off changing your parent’s lives take a step back to understand how your parents are feeling and experiencing.  If not, karma may return to you years later in unexpected ways. 

Did you ever consider that taking out a loan from your parent and not repaying it could be considered elder abuse?  It can when your parent needs the money for their care or has to apply for Medicaid and is penalized for “giving money away”.  This reason and others is why the number one abusers of the elderly are family members.  Learn more about elder abuse, the causes and how to protect yourself by listening to The Caring Generation on May 2, 2010, featured is the National Center for Elder Abuse.  Listen live each Sunday from 10a-12n, MST, at www.khow.com or listen to this and other past programs by visiting www.thecaringgeneration.com, click on as heard on and then listen to past programs.