In the book, 5 Steps to a Quantum Life by Natalie Reid (www.wingedpublishing.com) she states that “holding onto the past keeps it alive and gives it power in your present life. Instead of constantly reliving an old event, you can heal its emotional damage and that healing will change you. It is you who needs to change, not the past.” As I’ve mentioned before education and reading are a significant part of my life. I love to learn and am constantly seeking information to support my work and personal life. Natalie’s statement is so true. Often we think others need to change. Others aren’t doing something right. We hold grudges for something we remember from the past. I’ve learned to deal with issues in the present, maybe stew about them for a few days, come to resolution and then move on. As a result I don’t hold grudges nor do I hold onto the past. The future has so much potential. I don’t want to miss anything by brooding over spilt milk. I highly recommend Natalie’s book. Try it, you just might learn something.
Archive for April, 2008
You’re not alone. If you find yourself caring for another, it’s likely there are many more in a similar situation. Need support? Search the internet. There are online and in person support groups for just about every issue that exists from specific health issues to alcohol addiction. Google the specific topic you’re seeking and add the word support group. You can also call local organizations like Alzheimer’s, Stroke and Heart Associations for additional information. Remember, it’s only a support group if you participate. And you just might make a few really good friends.
As much as we love others we also need time for ourselves. Some people are uncomfortable spending alone time or time away from family. Others revel in it. When I was younger I would often take off one weekend every month to go camping or see friends out of town. This was my way of getting time for me with people other than family. It provided a mental break and a break from daily responsibilities. No matter how much we may love and feel responsible for caring for others it can affect our mental and physical well being. I talk to family members who have placed spouses with Alzheimer’s in facilities and there is a huge amount of guilt. However the care of the individual was talking a toll on the healthy caregiver. While family members can place a great degree of guilt on us, it up to us to determine whether the guilt is warranted. Often those placing guilt feel guilty themselves and want to share the feeling. If you find yourself in a similar situation seek counseling if necessary to work through the feeling, otherwise pass on the feeling of guilt and do something nice for yourself. It’s likely you deserve it.
Our last dog passed away from kidney disease last month. CC the bichon frise was 14 and adopted when she was a year old. She survived 3 other adopted dogs. My husband and I grieved this loss and decided not to get another dog. The joy and laughter she, Ed, Oreo and Daniel brought to us were immeasurable. But the joy came with responsibility, not as great as raising children but yet a responsibility. We had to be home to let the dogs out, feed and exercise them. If we wanted to go away we had to find a dog sitter. We took them for veterinary appointments, bought special food and administered medications. We lost sleep when they were ill. So now we’re continually asked when were getting another dog, which would be two dogs since we believe dogs need company. We’ve decided we want to be free of any responsibility except for the responsibility for each other. We’ve reached middle age, time when we need to focus on long term care planning for ourselves without other distractions. I look fondly at people walking dogs, driving with them in cars and taking them to parks. Maybe someday we’ll have dogs again, just not today
Life is short. Time passes quickly before we can appreciate the people and events in our life. Suddenly we know someone with a terminal illness. One of our parents has passed away. A college friend was killed in an accident. Caring for others just doesn’t mean caring for them when they’re sick. It means giving a friend a ride to work when their car won’t start. It means reconnecting with a friend at a distance. It means sending a birthday card or buying yarn for your grandmother who still enjoys knitting. Sometimes it’s just the little things that are so easy to take for granted. Which friend would you call if you needed a ride home from a medical procedure? Blessed are they who give to others for they receive back in time of need.
My family will take care of me. More than a fourth of employees today are challenged with balancing job responsibilities with the responsibility of caring for an older adult relative. These numbers are expected to increase. I knew the ring of the phone, late on Sunday evenings or in the middle of the night. My mother would be calling to ask to be taken to the emergency room. I was the unmarried child and the most available and would rush over to pick her up and go to St. Joseph’s hospital where we would remain sometimes for hours depending on whether they admitted her or sent her back home. I did this willingly for years and went to work the next day bleary eyed. I spent lunch hours visiting at the hospital or checking up on a number of other related tasks. I loved my parents and would not have done anything different. I think many of us feel that way. But how would our lives been different or easier if we were more knowledgeable and planned earlier for these events?
More than 35 million Americans are 65 and older and in just 3 years that figure will double to 77 million. An estimated 4 out of 10 people will use a nursing home after reaching 65 and many more will either need home care or an assisted living facility according to Kiplinger’s Retirement Planning Fall 2005. If we think it’s not going to happen to us we’re wrong. It’s not a matter of happening it’s a matter of when. The likelihood that we will become ill at some point and eventually die is 100% certain. What are you doing to plan for long term care?
Some children plan ahead in caring for their parents by purchasing long term care insurance. Knowing that their parents will not have enough retirement income to withstand the expense of health issues, buying a long term care plan will ensure available care and also protect the resources and assets of the children. Not to mention the dignity of parents who would have children bathing and diapering them. Not to mention the stress caring for parents places on marriages, children and employment. Talk to your parents about long term care planning early so it doesn’t become an issue that affects you later.
Including your parents in on your own planning may save you worries later. Do you have a financial planner? It’s likely you know more about financial planning than your parents. Why not invite them to a meeting with you and your financial planner? This offers them the ability to learn and to participate and also lets them know you care about their future. It also offers the opportunity for you to learn more about your parents finances so you can determine if they are going to need your help when they’re older. By participating with them you can also ensure that they avoid any investments that may not be suitable. Many financial planners recommend annuities that are well suited for some older adults and not at all suitable for others. You can also discuss the value of life insurance for the surviving spouse. Even though your parents seem like they have everything together, unless they have been exposed to your level of education and experience, they probably don’t. Don’t assume, ask them to participate in your own planning.
Your parent’s lack of financial planning can have a significant impact on your own financial planning. You assumed your parent’s would have planned financially for their retirement. It never occurred to you that they didn’t and when you think of it, you haven’t really devoted much time to planning for your own retirement. But now, your parents have run out of money. Their living expenses exceed their income and part of your paycheck goes to buy food or pay for maintaining their household. You’re worried about their health and what will happen if they need facility care. How did this creep up on you? It’s simple. While we believe we should plan for long term care, 70% of us have other priorities that prevent us from doing so until it becomes a necessity. The horror stories exist. Parents being moved to a nursing home for the rest of their lives. Parents losing their homes because they can’t keep up with a mortgage that should have been paid off years ago. Parents writing checks to charities and psychics before paying for their own prescription drugs. Still don’t have time to plan?
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