Ever get into a pattern of feeling that you need to make others happy and this becomes the total focus of your existence? You feel the familiar grip in your stomach when the person explains the level of stress or unhappiness currently experienced and you know you have no solution. So you search for little things you might do to make a difference. The truth is you can’t make others happy unless they are happy with themselves. Giving and giving and being the self sacrificing caregiver serves no purpose. There is equality in relationships where there is give and take. Sometimes it takes discussion of developing the give and take relationship versus the give and give relationship. Believe it or not, sometimes the person on the receiving end will not even notice when you stop giving. Because perhaps you were giving things you thought were nice to give or things you would like to receive. The receiver may have had absolutely no interest in these items except for the fact that they had interest in you as the giver. Try giving your time and yourself instead of material things. This just may shift the balance in the relationship to more equal footing.
Archive for May, 2008
Your day starts out great and then some small speck of an event clouds your day. Your whole countenance stiffens and you resist, realizing it’s going to be one of those days. Stop and change your mind. You can think positively or negatively about events and even this small shift in perception will affect the remainder of your day. A friend of mine is working on daily notes for how she wants her days to result. She writes a note card and keeps repeating it to herself the evening before and throughout the day. In the least, this helps her not become caught up in the speck of an event that clouds a moment. Remember the difference a smile or a phone call made in your day? Make this difference in every one of your days through belief.
Many financial planners paint a picture of retirement as the “golden years”; as the years where we live out our dreams. Not many financial planners talk about the realities of healthcare including the personal, financial and emotional costs. Why bring up an unhappy subject when trying to build the case of saving for the dream? It’s because most financial planners have expertise in the mechanical aspects of return on investment. Don’t get me wrong, this is a very important expertise; otherwise we’d all be spinning our wheels trying to figure out how to make mountains out of our small molehills of money. But there is value in expertise about planning for the last several years of our lives. This expertise doesn’t come from financial planners, or physicians or attorneys. It usually comes from the school of life or being in the moment of the experience. I was in this place over ten years ago when my parents were experiencing the last years of there life. Unfortunately there was no one to help and I and my siblings made a lot of mistakes. Thus my personal passion and invention of care navigation so that people should not have to go through the realities of healthcare by themselves.
Women, in particular, are at a disadvantage throughout our lives. We are traditionally the caregivers; whether it’s raising children, caring for a husband or caring for parents. All of these are noble actions and are usually done without consideration of the future. The disadvantage arises when women build careers, take time off to raise children and then try to re-enter the work world. Most times the position and compensation given up is never re-gained. Sometimes re-entry into the workforce is part time. And then there is time caring for parents. This may sound crass, but where is the financial compensation for all of this caregiving? Where is the financial compensation for lost years of income, social security, retirement savings etc? With the divorce rate today, some women won’t even have the opportunity to be supported by their husbands in return for raising children and caring for parents. And with the loss of financial compensation comes the reality that women will be somehow disadvantaged when the time comes that they need care.
Family relationships can be stressful. At times in my life I have purposely distanced myself from my family or family members in order to take care of myself even if only for a brief period of time. Sometimes family relationship difficulties just seem to be too much. Sometimes a sibling makes a statement that causes hurt feelings and it’s just easier not to argue. Sometimes relationships with friends are just much easier. Friends don’t have the history and accept us just as we are. How much nicer to build relationships with friends than having to deal with the ups and downs of family dynamics? It’s no wonder that as families grow older that we really need the ability to remain independent and able to care for ourselves without relying on family support.
Everyone should be fortunate enough to have a Vicky in their family. This is the sibling who just wants everyone to get along. My sister Vicky does not like conflict. She would rather do whatever it takes to work through relationship issues. Vicky is the person who does her best to make sure we all stay connected even in spite of the many differences we have with each other. She and my brother John are very close because they are similar in this aspect believing in the idea of family and togetherness. Vicky also contributed a significant amount of her personal time and energy in caring for my parents when they became older and needed care. Since my siblings were born mostly in the 1950’s the idea of family has changed over the past 50 years. Families are smaller, they have changed because of divorce, marriages etc. The relationships of siblings are different. These changes will affect relationships between parents and their children and the caregiving relationships of the future. I suspect it will result in the need for a greater degree of individual independence and self-reliance.
So how do we navigate changes that occur within our families? Many times we withdraw into ourselves or become angry and the relationship stalls. How many people do you know who are estranged from family members over situations that went out of control. How often does this occur in our daily lives with people we know? This difference is that our family members should be more important to us. We should be willing to put in more time and effort to heal these relationships. I hear from so many parents that their relationship with their children is not how they imagined. This could result from the fact that when children are young, parents are parents. However the parent – child relationship changes as children grow and believe they are on more equal footing with their parents. Because of this, we as children need to be more flexible in transitioning the relationships with our parents to help them understand that we’re not really children anymore. I’m not sure they have the ability to see us as anything different. Even in my 30’s, my mother called me her “baby” even though I was an educated, responsible, young woman. She was proud of my accomplishments. And to the day she was buried, friends and family members knew me as the “baby of the family”.
My oldest sister, Becky, took it upon herself to help me with scholastic endeavors. Whenever I needed help with school, especially deciding if college was important, she was there. My parents were high school educated and lived through the depression. They had to work to support their families, brothers and sisters and parents. When I was a junior in high school, Becky decided to move to Chicago. She left one morning and was lost forever. Most likely she fell asleep while driving east on I-80. Her car crisscrossed the freeway and propelled off a 70 foot high bridge crossing a set of railroad tracks below. Thanks to an over the road semi driver who saw the skid marks and the damage to a guard rail, there was no delay in finding my sister. At the age of 16 the loss was surreal. It was strange to me that someone could be here one day and gone in the blink of an eye. But if it wasn’t for Becky, I would have never gone forward to pursue advanced education and college degrees. There was no one else in my family who had the experience to give me that advice and through my life she lives on.
I was the youngest child, born nine years later than my next closest brother and sister. Because of this I had the opportunity to spend more one on one time with my father growing up. It was almost like I was an only child because the other children were in high school, had moved out of the house and were well on to building their lives. My dad and I had fun. He took me fishing every Saturday morning during the summers which included scouting for night crawlers the evening before. Mom usually stayed home. I’m sure she enjoyed this time on her own. On Friday nights, dad and I usually went to watch football games. He was a custodian of a local high school and because of his love for football he enjoyed watching the young men play ball. Because of this, my relationship with my father was very different from my siblings and I know that this had an effect on the rest of my life. Sometimes we don’t take the time to think back and appreciate the little things.
During the months of May and June, for those of us who still have parents living, we celebrate mothers’ and fathers’ day.During these months we share family gatherings. In talking to families it’s interesting to hear our perceptions of ourselves. The reality is that there is no normal family. Even in my own family with six children, two already deceased, we could not be considered normal. My oldest brother, Tom, was from my mother’s first marriage. Her husband passed away from leukemia and my mother remarried my father. The first time I remember meeting Tom was when I was five years old. We were born 17 years apart and he had left after high school to join the marines. During our lifetime we were more like acquaintances than brother and sister because we did not grow up in the same house at the same time. In any family a factor of distance and time greatly influences how we perceive our family relationships. What is your experience of your relationships with your siblings and how you each differently perceive the relationships with your parents?
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