Burial or cremation? I often ask this question to my clients who are planning their final wishes. I’m finding that more and more people are opting for cremation. Many say it’s less expensive and that they are not their “body” anyway. My parents were very Catholic. They went to church every Sunday and were involved in the church community. My grandfather had purchased a large family burial plot with enough spaces for the entire family. Even though my parents believed the soul leaves the body, they preferred burial. And in the Catholic church, burial is an event that involves a rosary, a wake, a church service, cemetery services and an after party — or at least it did for my parents. My wish is cremation and I don’t even know that I want a service. I often wonder what makes such great generational differences or if it’s even generational differences that create the preference. This is one area where I haven’t done much research and I’d be interested in your opinions. Burial or cremation? Which and why?
Archive for September, 2008
Many working adults are so busy working and raising families that the company they work for sometimes becomes a source of education. A source of education about retirement and financial planning and insurance. The time for open enrollment in companies is just around the corner at the end of the year. This year, take the time to sit down with your human resources professional to understand the benefits available to you rather than just checking the same box again. There may be additional benefits that you should consider, disability, accident, long term care insurance. Sure, no one wants to give more money to the insurance company, but it sure comes in handy when something happens and you actually need care. Interestingly enough a recent survey by one insurance carrier stated that one of the next up and coming voluntary insurance benefits wanted by employees is pet insurance. After all, pets are just like family members for some families and have replaced children in others.
Last winter I completed a long term care plan for a married couple. The husband had a stroke and was disabled. His wife had cancer that was in remission. While the couple was fairly financially stable and both had long term care insurance, their concern was for each other after the first one passed away. As a hazard of my profession I read the obituary column in the newspaper every day and noticed that the wife had passed away. I think back to our meetings and the concern she had in making sure that her husband would be well cared for after she was gone. At the time none of us had any idea of whether this would occur sooner or later. Unfortunately for the couple the reality was sooner. I admire their forethought in planning for each other and remember how difficult it was for the husband to discuss many of the planning aspects. Most married couples or partnerships don’t plan. Talking about end of life is not usually a pleasant discussion. I wonder if it’s easier for those who have cheated death by surviving a cancer diagnosis or other serious health event. Can we hear from you who have and how the event has affected your outlook on life and planning?
Do you ever feel that you have so much to do that you just have to keep on going and going? I admit falling into this habit frequently. I make lists of things to do each day and sometimes forget to list “fun”. I love nature and being outdoors and the recent rainy weekend we had reminded me that fall is not far and winter is coming even sooner. Spring, summer and fall are my favorites. Winter means shorter days when it’s dark by 5pm and I just want to climb into bed versus going to the gym in the evening. It means snow that I find beautiful unless of course, I have to be out driving in the slushy mess. I probably see more movies and read more books in the winter because I am indoors more often. In a sense the change of seasons causes me to slow down and concentrate on different types of “fun”. After all, who could possibly enjoy an entire year of warm weather (hint = me). When we lived in Southern California we were spoiled by warm weather and I had the most fantastic year round garden. The downside was the cost of living and the crowds, not to mention the pollution – remember seeing the quality of air in Beijing while watching the Olympics? I appreciate living in the Denver area much more and have learned to change my idea of “fun” based on the seasons. Remember to put “fun” on your list of things to do, regardless of the season.
I was reading the newspaper the other day and saw an article, “2 in 5 Struggle with Rising Medical Bills” (8/20/08 Denver Post, p10a). I saw another article discussing the fact that the State of Alabama is going to increase health care premiums for workers with poor health habits such as obesity and smoking. Part of the problem is that we’re not taught from an early age about the importance of taking care of our bodies and our health. Then when we’re older, we have health problems that result in health related expenses. The pharmaceutical companies are great about placing advertisements on television and in magazine touting their cures. However no one advertises the real cure which is taking care of our bodies through nutrition and exercise. It’s so simple yet many of us have difficulty achieving this. I’ve probably mentioned before that most of my family has passed on because of heart attacks, stroke, diabetes, etc. by the time I was 24. It was at this time I began taking nutrition and exercise more seriously because I didn’t want to experience the same early demise. Fortunately exercise has become a regular habit in my life. This is not to say that a week won’t go by when I don’t make the time to exercise, but most times I get right back on my regular exercise schedule. Exercise has become a time of escape for me. A time when I get away from everything, no phone calls or emails, no appointments, just time for me to listen to my IPOD and get away even if only for an hour or two several times each week.
Did you ever have a day when you just didn’t want to get out of bed? Some individuals with chronic or life threatening illness feel like this most days and some don’t make it out of bed. The result then is that body functions weaken and the original health concern becomes worse due to inactivity. But when one feels poorly, it’s difficult to see that one action results in another. Life is a daily fight. This is when the resilience of our lifetime takes over or not. I see so many older adults who have lost the fight for life and ask why they still exist. Some even pray that they will die. My father had a very difficult time after the loss of my mother, including nearly committing suicide. This was caught in time and he was placed on depression medication which totally changed his outlook on life to the point that he did desire to live. I’ve talked to other individuals who when placed on depression medication felt that they had less response to events. It seemed like their emotions were less intense. Since I’ve never been on depression medication I don’t’ have the personal experience to comment. Let’s hear from those with experience who can tell us their opinions on the good and bad about taking medication for depression.
Let’s turn the tables around for a moment. What life habits do we have now that will make it difficult for others to care for us in the future? Are we the independent type who will find it very difficult to accept help? Are we the dependent type who will find it difficult not to have someone else caring for us even if it’s only a spouse who cleans the house, cooks or balances the checkbook? Are we the person who works and has no “real” hobbies that will find life more difficult when we retire or lose our mobility? There are many examples of habits and behaviors that will make it difficult for someone to care for us. Why not look at these now, at whatever age we are, and try to have an open mind to new experiences or ways of doing things. The more varied a lifestyle we have that includes hobbies, social activities and the concept of being flexible the easier it will be for us to accept care and for others to care for us when we’re younger. And just think, parents set an example for their children. By setting an example now, parents can teach children to do the same when their time comes. It’s almost like training your caregivers now for what might happen later.
If you haven’t been involved in the financial aspect of caring for another person yet you’re fortunate. Many spouses are burdened with care. Some have the financial resources and will never have to worry. Others have long term care insurance to support the care. Others will eventually become impoverished because they will spend every last penny caring for a loved one. It’s at the point when finances become tight that difficult decisions are forced. I have a friend who has had his brother in a private room in a nursing home for years and is now faced with the reality of Medicaid, which does not pay for private rooms, only shared rooms. While the private room was nice for his brother all of these years, having to share a room will be a very difficult transition. I have other clients who have been able to maintain a home and are now having to consider selling the home in order to have funds to pay for rent at an assisted living facility. These types of transitions, no matter how necessary still represent loss and the need to grieve. They can become difficult because it can seem that there is no choice and that the situation is not going to improve. It’s in these situations that we need to help our friends or family members with glimpses of hope. The possibility that a room mate, the right one, can be a blessing in our life, the possibility that we may make new friends in an assisted living facility and the freedom not caring for a home will provide. It’s at these times that we need to pull out all the stops and toss self pity out the window in order to replace worrisome thoughts with positive thoughts.
I was talking to someone the other day about loss and the subject of children and pets came up. I could relate to losing a pet but not to losing a child. I remember when my sister was killed in a car accident how hard it was for my parents, especially my mother. I remember her saying, “You expect to lose your parents, not your children during your lifetime”. I’ve lost parents and I’ve lost pets and for me they were both difficult, however grieving my parents took much more time. I still think about my parents and my pets. Photos of my most recent dogs are on the screen saver on my computer. Sometimes I dream about them. My parents, brothers, sisters, etc. are buried in a cemetery in Omaha, Nebraska. My pets were cremated and are in containers in my home. I often wonder what to do with them. I don’t want to bury them because if we ever move from our current home, I won’t have them with me. I don’t want to scatter them for the same reason, they won’t be with me. But at times I think it’s silly that I have them in containers because I know that they are not physically in the container, their souls have passed on. I guess it’s just the last piece of physical evidence that I have to prove they were with me at one time. I’d love to hear from others who have this dilemma and what they have done.
How many of us have had family members or friends on their deathbeds that held grudges? I find this amazingly sad because the person they’re holding the grudge against has no idea of the slight or has moved on. If something happens with another person that irritates me, I work through it with them or alone and then try to just let it go. This is not to say that I don’t remember mistakes I’ve made personally that I continue to beat myself up for, but to me holding grudges are different. I have friends and family, even my husband, who reminds me of things that happened year ago, that I have let slide from my memory. For example, my sister wanted the bathroom painted a different color or I hung a picture someone really didn’t like but had to put up with looking at it every day. My husband thinks I have too many plants in the house; he’s probably right but for now I enjoy them. I don’t comment on the number of tools we have in the basement that never get used. To me these are such small things in the scheme of life. Maybe it’s because of what I do for a profession in dealing with sickness and end of life issues on a daily basis. These are more serious things for me. These I remember. I remember the families and the people involved and the difficult situations that are worked through sometimes successfully, sometimes not. And I see family members hold grudges that I wish they wouldn’t. I see the negative health results of holding these grudges, some clients just make themselves sick. So it’s good to examine ourselves do we hold grudges and if so why? If we knew that the person we held the grudge against has moved on, why are we putting ourselves and our energy in a negative position to hold this grudge? Think about it not only for yourself, but for your own health.
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