Pamela D. Wilson - The Care Navigator

Friends are telling you that you’ve become forgetful. You have a conversation with them for the first time and they tell you that you have just asked them the same question five times; you think they’re playing tricks on you because this is not even remotely possible. You are angry that they are being so cruel. One friend even tells you that your doctor diagnosed you with memory loss over a year ago and you just don’t believe it. Others are telling you that you missed paying last month’s mortgage payment, and your property taxes and income taxes for last year were not paid. All this is just bunk. You’re managing just fine and if you really were late on payments surely someone would have called or sent you a letter. What you are reading here is the everyday life of someone experiencing cognitive decline. The individual truly has no recollection of events and their life become so out of control that their very existence is threatened by non-payment of bills, mortgage payments, taxes, health issues and more. And unless you step in and take action the situation will continue to spiral out of control. Move past the guilt you’re feeling and contact your local county adult protective services department so that they can help your friend or acquaintance. It’s time to give the situation to professionals who can help. .

You have a variety of health issues and your insurance co-pays are adding up. You’re wondering if there is a better alternative? In some cases depending on where you live there are insurance plans that have chronic care benefits that can actually reduce your overall insurance costs. The key is that you must be flexible and willing to change physicians if your current physician is not in the chronic care plan. I worked with a woman nearly a year ago who complained about insurance and rent costs however was so inflexible that she would not change physicians to participate in a less expensive insurance plan and refused to move to a community with lower rents because she was hesitant to give up her stuff. Where is the logic? It’s easy for us to become so set and stuck in our ways that we see no options where many options exist that could actually improve our lives. Sometimes we need to get out of our own way and consider new options and new ideas in order to improve our own lives. Being inflexible is only a dead end.

You’re wondering what your parent is thinking? They were recently stopped by the police who discovered that they were driving with an expired license and no automobile insurance. The reason they were stopped is that they were driving the wrong way on a one way street. You’re thankful they were not injured but are now concerned. Your parent states that they simple became “lost”. That they do not drive far from home but they could not remember where the grocery store was located. Take this as a warning sign that something more serious is happening with your parent. While the ability to drive means independence and is the last ability anyone wants to give up, your parent may have memory loss significant enough to necessitate giving up the car keys. Often the parent will state that they are not going to get hurt while driving. Whether or not they will become injured is only the first consideration. The more important consideration is who will your parent seriously injure and what will be the financial cost to their retirement savings and ability to care for themselves the rest of their lives? And realize any lack of ability by your parent to care for themselves physically and financially will ultimately be your problem.

You see older friends who are failing; failing to care for their personal hygiene needs, to care for their homes, to care for their nutritional needs and you tell yourself you’ll never be that way. How many of us when we were younger swore we would never become like our parents only to find that we became like our parents? It’s much easier to notice that others need help than to notice that we actually need help ourselves. You’re insulted that some of your friends are mentioning that you need to shower and wash your hair. How could their comments possibly be accurate when you’ve always been so immaculate in caring for yourself your entire life? You have no children or family available to help or to tell you any different. Maybe it’s time to value the interest of your friends in attempting to offer help. If they lose interest in helping you, who will you have?

When have you felt obligated or taken advantage of by another person? Sometimes this person may be a friend, sometimes it may be a child. I know many parents who have soft hearts for children, now adults who have never put their lives together. You have an adult child who keeps losing their job or one who is addicted to drugs and will not take steps to get help. Sure, this adult is your child and you love he or she, however one day you will not be around to care for them. And helping them is actually causing you personal hardship. Some months you run short on money for groceries, needed prescriptions or other necessities for yourself because you give money or write checks to an adult child who has never taken responsibility for their own life. There is a time to say no and to tell your adult child that they must learn to be responsible for their own care. You gave them years of care at home when they were a child, it’s time for them to become an adult.

How many times have you been in a situation where you wanted to be helpful and the situation took on a life of its own? Perhaps by helping a friend who lost a job or another who went through a divorce. And then you discovered there was a point where the friend in need became angry at you and you in turn felt that they were simply a thankless person. This type of dynamic also occurs with parents. Many children believing they are helping create a dependent parent who becomes angry when the amount or type of help is decreased. Imagine a situation where a child offers to pay a parent’s credit card bills, however the spending soon becomes out of control on items that are not really necessary for day to day living. Can you imagine the conversation when the child tells the parent they will either no longer pay the bill or will not pay for items that are unnecessary but the parent feels necessary? This happens and the fallout can be devastating, however there are ways to work through this type of situation.

Your friend, Terry, has a caregiver, Sally, who seems to be crossing the boundaries. Sally seems to be inviting herself over more and more and you’re not sure if her time is work time or time off the clock. You’ve noticed Terry writing the Sally personal checks in spite of the fact that the caregiver is supposedly employed by a company. You find Sally’s behavior questionable yet Terry seems attached to her and doesn’t question her actions. You’ve mentioned your concerns to Terry but she thinks you are making mountains out of molehills. You’re worried that Terry’s financial well-being may be at stake, what do you do?

You’ve decided that moving to a community was the best thing for you but now you’re not sure. There are scheduled meal times that you can’t miss without the staff seeking you out. Previous residents are territorial about their place at the table and it seems very much set in their ways. You’re feeling very alone and wondering how you can make even a single friend. The change has been more intimidating than you expected. Don’t despair; there are two actions you can take to turn the tide. Most facilities have an activities director or a resident services director. Visit this person and ask them to personally introduce you to a resident or two that they feel would be a good match for you. Join in community activities you enjoy and you’ll meet individuals with shared interests. Did you ever think that there might be a resident who has lived at the community for a long time and is looking for a new friend?

Children of all ages have told me that they did notice things slipping with their parents but they were either in denial or just didn’t know what to do. Then there was a point where life issues escalated to the point of crises, decisions had to be made and the children had to help. Parents who once were so independent that they never needed help now are simply are enjoying being waited on by others including you. How do you manage when your parents have become intentionally helpless?

Many individuals attending support groups attend these groups because they are experiencing a troubling time in life and seek the support of individuals in a similar situation. Many attend because of unsupportive friends or family members. I have met many individuals who placed family members in communities because they could no longer care for them, only to experience a great degree of guilt made worse by well meaning friends or acquaintances. There comes a time when caregivers realize that they must walk away from well meaning friends or acquaintances that don’t appear to have their best interests at heart.